- I see your previous boss says you were a real live wire salesman. I'm pleased to know that! What were you selling?
- Live wires, sir!
After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me,"
The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.
The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks,
"So, what do you think about that?"
The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says,
"I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"
'Five dollars for one question!' said the girl to the fortune-teller. 'That's very expensive,isn't it ?' 'Next!'
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I dont, Ive been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, Ive been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
I'll send you some money
A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it.
Mom said: "Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uh, oh yeah, OK," responded the kid.
So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked: "Well, how much did you give the boy this time?"
Mom said: "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000"
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???"
"Don't worry hon," Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!"
"If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I'm prepared to forget it if they are."
- Errol Flynn
A guy wearing a singlet and slippers walked into the bank and practically shouted at the teller, “Yo woman! Who do I speak to to open a bloody bank account in this bloody bank?”
The teller politely told him to lower his voice as he was disturbing the other customers and that she would be able to open his bank account for him.
The guy was practically foaming at the mouth. “Don’t you tell me what to do! And no woman is opening my bloody account. You women are just good for cooking, cleaning and making babies. I wanna speak to a man!”
The teller got up in a huff, went to the bank manager’s office and explained the situation to him. The bank manager told her that while the customer was always right, this customer was definitely wrong. He went back with the teller to set the guy straight.
“About time a man showed up!” The guy was as loud, if not louder than before. “I just won $25 million dollars in the lottery and this bloody woman insisted that she’s capable of opening my bloody account for me.”
“She did, did she?” The bank manager was almost as loud as the guy. “She was just supposed to clean the windows and arrange the files. Don’t mind her. Let’s go to my bloody office and see what we can do about your bloody account!”
- What did the man do when he got a big gas bill?
- He exploded.
Three boys were walking along the beach one day when they see a cave. The first boy goes in and is looking at a banknote on a big rock when a ghostly voice calls out '' I am the ghost of Auntie Abel and this five dollars stays on the table!'' The second boy goes in and is reaching for the money when the same thing happens again. The third boy goes in ,sees the five dollars and cries out,''I am the ghost of David Crockett and this five dollars goes in my pocket!''
"It's weird, though, 'cause this is my first time job and everything, but I could've sworn I was making more money in college just working for my parents as their daughter." - Melanie Reno.
One evening, a Counselor saw Max on his hands and knees. ‘What are you doing?’ she asked.’I'm looking for my dollar bill,’ Max replied. ‘I lost it down the road.'’Why don’t you look for it there?'’Because the light’s better here!’
A rather frugal man asked the bank for a loan of one dollar and was
told he would have to pay nine percent interest at the end of the year.
For security he offered $60,000. in U.S. bonds. The banker, foreseeing
a potential depositor, accepted the bonds and gave the man a dollar.
At the end of the year, he was back with a dollar and nine cents to
clear up his debt and asked for the return of his bonds.
Upon returning the bonds the banker asked, "I don't want to be
inquisitive, but since you have all those bonds, why did you have
to borrow a dollar?"
"Well," said the tightfisted old gent, "I really didn't have to. But
do you know of any other way I could get the use of a safe-deposit box
for nine cents a year?"
A couple of thieves broke into my holiday apartment and stole 10,000 Euros. At least they didn’t take anything of any value.
Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!
The other day, my friends and I went to a ladies' night club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over.
I was worried about the way things were going, but she licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to me!
Now everyone's attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try and top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
A beautiful woman entered a bar and sat next to a lawyer. "Listen honey," she said, "For $50, I'll do absolutely anything you want."
The lawyer pulled fifty dollars from his wallet and said, "Paint my house."
"What! No E-mail?"
An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning). After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.25 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed." Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb. flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!" After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!" Moral of this story: 1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life. 2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire. 3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire. 4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.
My sister fell in love at second sight. When she first met him she didn't know how rich he was.
I went to the bank and went over my savings. I found out I have all the money that I'll ever need...if I die tomorrow.
- Henny Youngman
A wife comes in and yells, “Honey! Pack your clothes! I just won the lottery!” Her husband yells back, “But what should I pack?” The wife replies, “I DON’T CARE! JUST PACK AND GET OUT!”
A woman was just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rang. She threw on her towel and went to the door. Dave, a poker buddy of her husband’s was there. He looked at her in her towel for a minute and whispered “I’ll give you $500 right now if you take of your towel for just 10 seconds! That’s $50 a second!” She thought about it a second, and then took off her towel. He smiled, gave her the money and walked away. When she walked back into the bedroom, her husband asked “Was that Dave? Did he bring the $500 he owed me?”
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant.
Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed.
"How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
- Johnny, if you had 5$ and you asked your father for 3$ more, how many dollars would you have?
- I would have five dollars...
- You don't know your arithmetic, Johnny...
- You don't know my father, Mrs. Mutch...
A man commented to his lunch companion: "My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire". "You're lucky", sighed the companion. "My wife dreams that in the daytime".
- If you found a five dollar bill in every pocket of your coat, what would you have ?
- Someone else's coat.
- Why did your sister feed money to her cow?
- Because she wanted to get rich milk.
Management student kisses a girl.
Girl: Whats this?
Boy: Its called DIRECT MARKETING.
(Girl slaps the boy)
Boy: What is this?
Girl: This is CUSTOMER FEED BACK.
Meaning of... 'potentially' and 'realistically'
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers
and a future congressman."
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows
and only four tellers?
- Why do wallets make so much noise?
- Because money talks.
The student and the professor of economics.
A student asked a professor of economics:
- What is the difference between socialism and capitalism ?
The professor answered:
- Capitalism is the exploitation of humans by humans
- And socialism ?
- It's the inverse of course.
- How can you be sure you have counterfeit money?
- If its a three-dollar bill, you can be sure.
Logic of an economist.
A party of economists was climbing in the Alps . After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun.
Finally he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?'
'Yes', answered the others eagerly.
'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.'
Father to daughter upon her announcing her engagement: “What does he do? Does he have any money?”
Daughter: “You men are all alike. That’s the first thing he asked me about you!”
Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back.
An FBI agent is interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been
robbed 3 times by the same bandit. "Did you notice
anything special about the man?" asks the agent. "Yes," replies the
teller. "He was better dressed each time."
An investment banker stood at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The banker complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The fisherman replied, “Only a little while.”
The banker then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The fisherman said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.
The banker then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”
The fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siestas with my wife, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life.”
The investor scoffed, “I am an Ivy League MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, and eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats.
“The investor continued, “And instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would then sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution! You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise.”
The fisherman asked, “But how long will this all take?”
To which the banker replied, “Perhaps 15 to 20 years.”
“But what then?” asked the fisherman.
The banker laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions!”
“Millions. Okay, then what?” wondered the fisherman.
To which the investment banker replied, “Then you would retire. You could move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, and stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”
- My broker has a new service where they will text you your balance.
- It's cool, I just don't think they should add "LOL" at the end.
A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China. He's out there now...trying to win a trip back!
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
The two partners from a small law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them looked alarmed.
He announced, "I have to go back to the office right away! I forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."
Dave has been a cheap tight-wad his whole life.
His family gathers around him as he lies on his death bed.
Dave peers up at them and asks, “Is everybody here? Where’s Bessie?”
“I’m here.” his wife says.
“We’re here, Dad” they reply.
“Don’t worry Dave, everybody’s here.” Bessie reassures him.
Dave jumps up in bed and yells, “Well, if everybody’s here then why is the light on in the kitchen?!”
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." - Bob Hope.
Schneider applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.
Two hours later, Schneider came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," Schneider replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."
- Who dropped a wad of notes with an elastic band round them?
- I did!
- Well, heres the elastic band.
A woman returns to her car after shopping and is furious to find the side of her car is smashed in. On the windshield is a note. Relieved she picks it up and reads what it says: "As I’m writing this a bunch of people are watching me. They think I’m writing down my name, number and insurance information. But I’m not."
The cost of living is so high now. My wife is having to have sex with me because she can’t afford the batteries.
"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less." - Brendon Francis
- Why are diapers like $10 bills?
- Because you have to change them.